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Introduction to Etiquette

Following some basic guidelines and a little planning will ease the process of choosing your wedding stationery and keep your cost in check.

Your invitation ensemble is a guest’s first glimpse of your special day (the only glimpse for guests who do not attend). It is a unique, personal expression that sets the mood for your entire wedding. Choose your invitations based on the formality and style of your wedding. You may reflect a theme or your special colors in the design.

Shopping for invitations online or in direct mail catalogs is a great way to get an idea of what’s available and which styles are appealing to you. However, photos can be deceiving. Because you cannot ‘see’ quality, ordering anything sight unseen is not a good idea. There is much more to ordering stationery than you might imagine. Using a dealer that will give you personalized customer service is an absolute must, and may save you money. Wedding invitations are a major purchase. You deserve the best quality, value and service for your investment. Do not assume that direct mail catalog prices are lower. Shop around and do not be afraid to ask for a quote!

As today’s modern bride, you are a very busy individual. Every effort must be made to conserve time and resources. The wedding stationery ensemble is made of up of many different elements. This booklet is intended to give you an overview of the purpose of each of these elements to enable you to determine your requirements in order to avoid unnecessary expense.

As a major consumer you deserve warm, personal service. Decide what tasks you will need help with, set your priorities and budget and find one stationer with the capability to fulfill all of your needs - then you are ready to begin your selection process!

When looking at wedding stationery, think of each sample invitation as a blank page. The lettering style, wording, ink color, format, orientation and motif can be customized on the paper of your choice. Bows, wraps and other embellishments can be added or deleted. Choose a stationer willing to work with you, and familiar enough with their product line, to customize your order and get the look you desire.

Compile a preliminary guest list before placing your order. Count the number of addresses, not guests. Be sure to order plenty of invitations. The first 25 invitations are the most expensive because you pay for the setup. If you don’t order enough the first time and have to reorder, you will be required to pay the setup fee twice! Ordering 25 extra invitations the first time around is much more cost effective. Last minute guests commonly pop up. It is best to be prepared.

Printing Methods

Engraving is the most traditional form of printing formal invitations. This method has been around longer than any other, and is the most expensive. A copperplate die of your information is used to press the lettering into soft cotton or high quality vellum paper resulting in raised print that can be felt and seen on the back side of the paper. Most companies will send the die to you as a keepsake and proof that your stationery was genuinely engraved.

Embossing is a method used to press letters from the back of the paper, resulting in a raised dimensional imprint. Blind embossing, or embossing without ink, is traditionally used for monograms, borders and return addresses. Script lettering can be used for larger imprints, such as monograms; but for the sake of readability, block style lettering should be used for smaller imprints, such as the return address.

Photo Lettering uses the most modern technology to produce flowing script lettering. The process starts with a photographic image of the words. It is more complex and a little more expensive than thermography or other styles of printing. The advantage of photo lettering is that the words can be reduced or enlarged to fit any space.

Thermography closely resembles engraving, but is less expensive. Ink and powder are fused in a heat process to produce raised lettering that cannot be felt on the back. Thermography techniques can reproduce calligraphy and hand-lettered Hebrew or Chinese characters.

Lithography imprints the lettering with ink, but does not result in either a raised or pressed-through image. It is the least costly method of professional printing.

Offset Printing is an excellent option for informal invitations or when time and budget are limited. A rubber cylinder is used to transfer ink letters onto paper.

Letterpress printing is the process of pressing the letters into the paper from an inked raised surface.

Writing a Proper Thank-You Note

Writing thank-you notes is probably the most dreaded duty a couple will face. Most people have no idea what to say on a thank-you note, originality is difficult to come by when writing so many at once, and the shear magnitude of the job is quite overwhelming! It is very tempting not to write thank you notes at all. However, keep in mind that your guests were kind enough to go to the trouble to purchase a gift for you. This thoughtful act is deserving of a few moments of your time. Guests who contributed cash or expensive items would like to know that you received their gift. Your thank-you note serves as an acknowledgement for this purpose.

Remember, your guests will not be comparing thank you notes. It is not necessary to think of something new and clever to say on each one. Below are a few simple guidelines. There are several small resource booklets devoted specifically to this subject. If you are uncomfortable with writing thank you notes, a purchase of one of these books (many can be found for under $12) may be a good investment.
  • Keep it short. A few lines will do.
  • Keep it simple and sincere.
  • Address the note to guests according to what you call them. If you are on a first name basis, address them accordingly. But don’t try to be overly friendly with someone you don’t even know - stick to Mr. and Mrs...
  • Specifically mention the item or gift in your note.
  • When writing a thank you for cash, never mention the amount, but always mention what you intend to do with their generous gift.
  • Etiquette dictates that you have up to one full year to send all of your thank you notes. However, the cash gifts should be addressed immediately.
  • Don’t focus on the task as a whole. Setting small goals (i.e. 25 in one week) will make this job seem much more palatable and manageable.

Stuffing Your Envelopes

If you solicit help in stuffing your envelopes, beware. Too many hands will cost you time in backtracking and rechecking. This is a three or four person job. Form an assembly line. One person should perform each task.

Put a stamp on your respond card envelopes as a courtesy to your guests.

Stack your items in this order, face up, to form packets of material to be inserted into your envelopes.
  • Invitation (on bottom of stack)
  • Tissue
  • Map Card
  • Reception card
  • Respond card and stamped envelope (turn the writing on the card to face you and slip the top edge of the card underneath the envelope flap)
  • Within the ribbon, or pew cards
If you have a lot of enclosures, it is very attractive to tie everything together with a nice ribbon. Keep your packets face up, as if you were reading them.

1. Lay inner envelope face down, flap side up, flap open and pointing to the right
2. Slip the items into the inner envelope
4. Fold the flap down - do not tuck into the envelope - do not seal
5. Turn the inner envelope over, flap side down, top of envelope on your right
5. Lay the outer envelope face down, flap side up facing right
6. Slide the inner envelope into the outer envelope
7. Seal the outer envelope

NOTE: NEVER include gift registry cards in your wedding invitations! These cards are intended for your shower invitations.

Any oversized invitation or invitation with a bow or ‘lump’ in the envelope will not be meterable, and will require extra postage.

Having your invitations hand-metered will keep the metering devices from ruining your envelopes. If the post office hand-stamps for you, they will charge you an additional fee per envelope. Ask them to allow you to hand-meter them yourself. This only takes a few moments, and is well worth the effort.

Computer Printing is an option for informal invitations, or when time and budget are limited, bit beware. Printing stationery yourself is a daunting and very expensive task! There is a great deal of waste involved, and blank stationery is expensive. You may not be happy with the results.

Hand Lettering is the most formal method of printing invitations. Each individual invitation can be hand-lettered by a calligrapher, or an original can be made and used for reproduction. Hand-lettering provides intimacy - each invitation can be personalized with the name of the recipient. Regardless of the ceremony’s formality, it is acceptable to issue a hand-lettered invitation.

The Invitation Ensemble

Invitations should be mailed six to eight weeks before the wedding. It is recommended that you place your order three to four months in advance to allow plenty of time proof, receive, address, mail and attend to any problems that may occur.

Remember to order an invitation for each member of your wedding party and their parents, the officiant, your brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents and a keepsake for yourself. Also order 25 extra for last minute or forgotten guests.

Wedding Announcement: If space constraints or cost considerations make it impossible for you to invite everyone to the wedding, an announcement is a wonderful way to inform the uninvited of your marriage. Announcements should be mailed the day of the wedding, or shortly thereafter.

Save The Date Cards are sent six months before the wedding invitations to inform guests of your future event. While optional, this item is important for weekend-long celebrations with many planned activities, or if you are inviting a large number of out of town guests. Consider a save the date magnet that can be kept on the refrigerator as a reminder.

Invitations are traditionally engraved on 100% watermarked, cotton paper; and the return address is blind embossed. However, today’s diverse printing and design techniques provide many options and price ranges. Invitations can be flat, folded or layered. Font styles and ink colors can be combined. Wraps, bows, bands, overlays, seals and exotic papers create a one-of-a-kind package. Hand-lettered or custom designed invitations are incredibly intimate and elegant. Invitations are shipped to you unassembled and unfolded. It is your responsibility to assemble your ensemble, unless you purchase concierge services from your vendor or pay the manufacturer for this service.

It is highly recommended that you order a proof of each printed item (invitation, return address and all enclosures). The extra charge will protect you against costly or embarrassing errors. At the very least, order a proof of your invitation.

Independent home-based studios usually offer better services. Your business is very important to a small business owner. They have the flexibility to give you the unlimited, undivided personal attention that a storefront cannot. In most cases, a home studio will have the same selection, if not better.

Be wary of mail order catalogs that sell directly to the customer. Products may look the same in the catalog, but the quality may be inferior. Obtain a sample of the invitation and envelope before ordering, and compare the quality to the same invitation at a reputable stationery dealer.

If you are apprehensive about spending so much money on an item that will simply be thrown away, consider sending "plantable" invitations. Wildflower seeds are sewn directly into the paper. Your invitation will serve as a lasting memento of your special day!

Enclosures

Reception Card - Inform your guests of the location and time of the wedding reception, dance, dinner or other event by enclosing a reception card with the invitation. If the reception will be held immediately after the ceremony, a footnote can be added to your invitation for a lower cost than purchasing a separate reception card.

Response Card - A printed respond card or postcard is enclosed with the invitation. Respond cards are invaluable in obtaining an accurate guest count for a dinner reception. If you are having a weekend-long wedding, several respond cards may be necessary to cover each planned event. Postage for a postcard is less costly than a formal respond card and envelope.

Since guests’ plans often change and many people do not return the respond card, some feel that this enclosure is meaningless. It is, however, recommended that you at least send a respond card to out of town guests to assist with accommodation planning.

Forms of Address
Personage Inner Envelope or Place Card Outer Envelope
Clergy Member
Protestant, no degree 		The Reverend Jones or
The Reverend and Mrs. Jones 		The Reverend Paul Jones or
The Reverend and Mrs. Paul Jones
Clergy Member
Protestant, with degree 		The Reverend Doctor, or
The Reverend Paul Jones, Ph.D. 		The Reverend Doctor, or
The Reverend Paul Jones, Ph.D.
Clergy Member
Roman Catholic 		Father Jones The Reverend Paul Jones
Eastern Orthodox Priest Father Jones The Reverend Father Jones
Roman Catholic Bishop Bishop Jones The Most Reverend John Jones,
Bishop of Texas
Vicar Monsignor Jones The Reverend John Jones
Dean The Reverend Jones The Reverend John Jones
Rabbi, no degree Rabbi Jones Rabbi Nathan Jones
Cantor Cantor Jones Cantor John Jones
Professor, no degree Professor Jones Professor John Jones
Professor, with degree Dr. Jones or
Professor Jones 		John Jones, Ph.D.
Or
Professor John Jones
Judge Judge Jones
Or
Judge and Mrs. Jones 		The Honorable John Jones, or
The Honorable and Mrs. John Jones
Mayor Mayor Jones or Mr. Jones The Honorable John Jones,
Mayor of Middletown
Army Officer Captain Jones Captain John Jones,
United States Army
Navy Officer Commander Jones Commander John Jones,
United States Navy
Physician Doctor Jones John Jones, M.D.

Traditional Rules of Etiquette for Addressing Invitations

Invitations with One Envelope
  Outer Envelope
Married Couple,
no children 		Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
Married Couple, children under 18 Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
John and Leah
Unmarried or
Same-Sex Couple 		Mr. John Jones
Mr. Paul Smith
Married Couple,
Wife has retained her name 		Ms. Pam Smith
Mr. John Jones
Married Couple,
Both Doctors 		The Doctors Jones
Single Person Mr. John Jones
Widow Ms. Pam Smith
Or
Mrs. Samuel Smith
Divorced Woman Ms. Sue Jones
Siblings Living at
The Same Address 		Mr. John Jones
Mr. Paul Jones
Or
Miss Pam Smith
Miss Sally Smith
Mother and Adult Daughter Ms. Sue Jones (mother)
Ms. Sally Jones
Father and Adult Son Mr. John Jones (father)
Mr. Paul Jones (son)
Close Relative Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
Married Couple, Wife only is a Doctor Doctor Pam Smith
Mr. John Smith
Admittance Cards are used to eliminate party crashers and ensure privacy. Guests present their card to gain admittance. This enclosure is not exclusively for celebrities! Ceremonies or receptions held in public locations may attract uninvited guests if no arrangements are made to eliminate the possibility.

Pew Card - Guests present this card to the usher to be seated in a special section for honored guests. The pew number is written by hand on the card. Pew cards may be hand-lettered in calligraphy on blank card stock.

Within The Ribbon Card: Guests present this card to the usher to be seated in a special location, designated by a ribbon. Pew numbers are not written on the card. For an air of distinction, include a ribbon imprinted with the words "Within the Ribbon".

Direction/Map Card - Contains written directions and/or a computerized map to your wedding. It is much easier for people to follow written directions when driving. The maps are too small to show enough detail. Directions can be printed on one side with a map on the other, or print directions to the wedding on one side and directions to the reception on the other.

Travel Card - Enclose a travel card to inform guests of special arrangements, such as reserved parking or shuttle services.

Accommodation Cards inform your guests of special hotel arrangements made for their convenience. Provide the phone number, address and rates for two or three nearby hotels.

Rain Card - If you plan to have an outdoor reception or ceremony without a tent, it is essential to have a back-up plan in case of inclement weather. This card, enclosed with the invitation, informs guests of the contingency plan.

Thank You Notes or Informals

A personal thank you must be sent for each gift received. Informals are note cards that match your invitation. Your married names or monogram appear on the front cover. The inside may contain a printed verse or be left blank. Blank informals are more versatile than printed thank-you notes. They double as personal stationery or gift enclosures long after the wedding.

Of course, your informals do not have to match your invitations exactly. A personalized coordinating note card is acceptable. Gift-Received Card - The gift-received card contains a preprinted acknowledgement of the receipt of a gift. You must still write a personal thank-you note within one year of your wedding.

Bridal Note - The bridal note is traditionally folded, containing either the bride’s name or monogram on the front. It may be used as a thank-you note or any other correspondence.

Accessories

Program - The wedding program is your opportunity to express gratitude to everyone who helps to make your wedding day special. You may choose to feature a special verse or poem, or dedicate a special song in honor of a deceased parent or grandparent. NEVER include biographical information or advertisements in your program. Appropriate elements include: acknowledgement of attendants and officiant, music selections, translations, order of service, explanation of symbolic meaning of service components, text for group prayers or readings, poem or thought of thanks and love, and directions to the reception.

Most invitations have a matching program. Programs should not be ordered any sooner than six weeks before the wedding.

Reminder Magnets - Include a Date Reminder magnet with your invitation for guests to place on their refrigerator to help them remember your upcoming event.

Envelope Seals - A variety of seals are available, including personalized and photo seals. Wax seals are an especially elegant touch, and generally less expensive than stick-on seals. Low temperature glue guns and glue gun wax have revolutionized this process. Use a design, initial or monogram to imprint your mark into the wax and add a small piece of ribbon to complete this special look.

Escort Cards - These gift-sized cards and envelopes tell the guest where they are seated at the reception.

Place Cards - A seating arrangement will eliminate a reception seating free-for-all. You may only wish to reserve a place for close family and honored guests. Assist them in finding their seat with place cards. Stemware place cards and picture frame place holders are now available.

Traditional Rules of Etiquette for Addressing Invitations

Invitations with Two Envelopes
  Inner Envelope Outer Envelope
Married Couple,
no children 		Mr. and Mrs. Jones Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
Married Couple, children under 18 Mr. and Mrs. Jones John and Leah or
Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
Unmarried or
Same-Sex Couple 		Mr. Jones
Mr. Smith 		Mr. John Jones
Mr. Paul Smith
Married Couple,
Wife has retained her name 		Ms. Smith
Mr. Jones 		Ms. Pam Smith
Mr. John Jones
Married Couple, Both Doctors The Doctors Jones The Doctors Jones
Single Person Mr. Jones and guest
Or
Mr. Jones and Ms. Smith 		Mr. John Jones
Widow Ms. Smith
Or
Mrs. Smith 		Ms. Pam Smith
Or
Mrs. Samuel Smith
Divorced Woman Ms. Jones Ms. Sue Jones
Siblings Living at
The Same Address 		The Messrs. Jones
Or
The Misses Smith 		Mr. John Jones
Mr. Paul Jones
Or
Miss Pam Smith
Miss Sally Smith
Mother and Adult Daughter The Ms. Jones Ms. Sue Jones (mother)
Ms. Sally Jones
Father and Adult Son The Messrs. Jones Mr. John Jones (father)
Mr. Paul Jones (son)
Close Relative Mom and Dad Mr. and Mrs. John Jones
Married Couple, Wife Only is a Doctor Doctor Smith
Mr. Smith 		Doctor Pam Smith
Mr. John Smith
  • If children’s ages are known, list oldest to youngest.
  • The title "Master" can be used for a young man under the age of 13.
  • It is acceptable to use terms of endearment for close family members on the inner envelope (i.e. Mom and Dad).
  • It is easier for guests to locate their seat when the place card is upright rather than laying flat on the table.
  • Favors - It is a nice gesture to provide some type of thank you or keepsake for your guests. Thank-you scrolls, favor boxes, matchbooks, bookmarks, and candy bars are just a few examples of the many favors available.
Napkins come in three sizes: beverage, luncheon and dinner, and are ordered in multiples of 50. Many guests will view their napkin as a keepsake and will take two, so order extra. If linens are being provided by your caterer or reception vendor, order beverage napkins for the cake as an inexpensive favor.

Envelopes

The invitation ensemble traditionally includes an inner and outer envelope. The liner is optional. Some companies will line both envelopes for an additional fee, while others will not double line. Check with your stationer for available options. It is highly recommended that you order 25 additional envelopes. The company will include a few extras with your order. However, it does not matter who addresses your invitations, there will be mistakes.

Outer Envelope - The post office requests that the sender’s return address appear on the back flap. It can be printed to match your invitation lettering or blind embossed.
  • Envelope seals are an inexpensive and elegant complement.
  • Wax seals are an especially elegant touch.
  • Utilize the Envelopes-In-Advance service to ensure plenty of time for addressing.
  • Blind embossed return addresses are a little more costly than thermography.
Inner Envelope - The inner envelope holds the invitation and all enclosures. It is never sealed. Many companies offer luxurious colors, textures and patterns for lining. If your invitation manufacturer does not offer these special choices, you can order your envelopes from another manufacturer.

Tissues were originally used to prevent ink from bleeding onto the enclosures. Today’s improved printing techniques make this tradition obsolete, but most people still bow to tradition. Tissues are included free with your invitation.
  • Provide a unique complement and intimate detail to your ensemble with tissues featuring a photo or special poem.

Addressing Your Invitations

Addressing invitations by hand is traditional. By issuing an invitation to a guest you are asking them to take time out of their busy schedule to attend your wedding and devote their financial resources to purchase a gift for you. For this reason alone, you owe it to your guests to have their invitation addressed by hand, in a personal manner. Whether you address them yourself or someone else does, this is truly an occasion where personal touch really does matter! How special does it make you feel to receive something that has been addressed to you via stick-on label

Hand-lettered calligraphy is a very special touch, as well as a practical, time-saving choice. A calligrapher can save you a lot of headache, heartache and time! Additionally, they are familiar with the rules of etiquette, which ensures accuracy.
  • There are many lettering ‘hands’ or styles. When shopping for a calligrapher, ask for samples and check their references.
Your invitation envelope should be as beautiful as the invitation itself! Today, most stationery companies offer professional addressing to match your ensemble. But don’t assume that this is a less expensive method than having them addressed by a calligrapher. Check the prices.
  • The price range for calligraphy is vast, so shop around.
  • Printing addresses on a personal computer can be messy, time-consuming, expensive and wasteful. Smears, smudges, light and dark spots may not present the best impression to your guests. The cost for computerized calligraphy is very minimal - leave this task to a professional!
It is not appropriate to abbreviate on a wedding invitation outer envelope. The only acceptable abbreviations are Mr., Mrs. and Dr. (in the case of a Ph.D.) The state should be spelled out in full, as well as street, court, lane, apartment, doctor, junior, senior, etc. It is acceptable to use numerals for the street, apartment number and zip code.
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